A Little Behind

No, this isn't a post about Sylvia's posterior, which is really cute, by the way...have I told you about Sylvia's behind??

It's about the reality of my falling behind in the activities that used to take up my time: housework (I can't believe the amount of dirt and grassy bits that get tracked into the house and stay there for days), gardening (I'm just now getting out to the vegetable garden to weed, and it's practically July), house maintenance (we just cleaned the gutters of the spring leaf and seed drop this week), creative projects (I haven't sewn since February, and haven't done any artwork since...when? Who remembers?).

I know that raising a baby takes precedence over all of these lesser tasks. I know I shouldn't feel bad about having a messier house than usual right now. I know it's temporary. I know I'm doing the most important work of my life by caring for Sylvia.

But still...day to day I live in the mess in the house/garden, and am frustrated by not having time to create in other ways.

But anyhow...what an adventure I'm having in the meantime!

Nap? What Nap?

Since Dan's been back at work it's been a little more challenging getting in one daily nap, much less the two that I really should take.

Sylvia has no problem getting her naps in, though!

Spare Time

Here it is, over a week since the last post, and no photo to accompany it. Not that I haven't taken any. I'm squeezing this in at 11pm on a Friday between getting Sylvia in bed and getting myself into the shower.


Dan's back at work and I'm amazed that single parents survive at all! We had a good week, but very busy. Amazing how much time it takes to feed, diaper, change, amuse, care for and snuggle with a baby. And how much energy too.

Thank goodness for a Monday night visit from Unkie and a break and lunch with Grandpa.

I Had No Idea...

...that I could love someone this much.

...that I had such a capacity to give of myself.

...that having a baby would be so fun.

...that having a baby would be so rewarding.

...that my child would inspire in me such awe and wonder.

...that no matter how many times I heard parents say these things, and no matter how many times I thought I understood it, and no matter how often I thought that I wouldn't really understand it until I did it myself, that actually doing it has brought me so many more gifts that I ever could have imagined.
Thank you Sylvia, for choosing to come to me!

Daddy Love

Dan returns to work in six days. I can't express how wonderful it's been to have him home, not just to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood and care for me and the baby when I was sick, but also to bond closely with Sylvia. They've spent a lot of time getting to know each other, and I think it will be hard for Dan to be away all day.

I'll be adjusting to stay-at-home parenthood on my own, and as soon as the weather starts cooperating I plan to not stay at home so much as take Sylvia out and about. After being spoiled by having a stay-at-home spouse for three months it will be quite an adjustment for me - fortunately Grandma and Grandpa have offered to give me some scheduled breaks throughout the weeks ahead!

Waste Management

We've been given the gift of diaper service by several family members and friends. It's so convenient to toss the soiled nappies into a can, then set the collection on the porch Sunday nights. The magical diaper elves come and replace them with a bag of fresh-laundered, folded nappies on Monday mornings. First world living!

Before Sylvia came along I dreaded diaper changing. But I've found I don't mind at all; since she's breastfed the mess is not smelly. Diaper changing is simply part of our routine, and we have nice conversations during the changing. Plus Syl coos happily when we lift her onto the changing table, as if she knows a soft, dry diaper is on the way.

Liberated

In different cultures cutting one's hair short can have different meanings: a display of grief, the representation of a new chapter in one's life, liberation from a bad situation or relationship...

Today I had my hair cut, not so much in an act of liberation but to make personal hygiene quicker and easier. These days I don't always get a daily shower, much less take time to do anything special with my hair, which had gotten long.

While I was out Sylvia had her first feeding from a bottle! Dad handled it well, and Sylvia did not seem to mind the alternative feeding method. She did want to eat again when I got home, though; hard to say if she was just extra hungry or missing my touch. Even though I was only gone a couple of hours, and it did feel good to go out alone, I did find myself missing my little bundle; it was nice to nestle into the rocking chair and reconnect.

Out and About

When Dan and I were a childless couple, it took us ten minutes to leave the house. Ah, the good old days!

Now: Do we have the diaper bag? Are there clean diapers? Wipes? Change of clothes in case of spillage? Spare shirt for me in case of urpage? Is Sylvia dressed warmly enough? Is she fastened into the car seat? Do we have a burp rag nearby? Where are my keys???

Outings are a big deal, especially after my being sick for two weeks. Two weeks! Yuck is the word. We went to the Co-op yesterday to buy groceries and socialize a little. What would normally be a mundane errand became the highlight of my day. Having a newborn changes one's perspective!

Multitasking

Here's Daddy, caring for Sylvia while also enjoying breakfast and working on a crossword puzzle. (What's a six-letter word for adorable baby, beginning with S??)

Having a little one encourages and sometimes necessitates multitasking, something I'm going to have to get much better at when Dan returns to work in two weeks. EEK!

Helping Hands

I'm still sick with the crud, though feeling well enough to go to Grandma & Grandpa's for dinner last night (but I crashed halfway through, forcing us to leave promptly) and to do the dishes this morning. Grandma's busy right now cooking us some food for the next couple of days.

Today it is warmer (41 - practically balmy) and it's been raining, melting the snow cover. It'll turn cold again tomorrow and stay that way all week, and I feel like I'm missing a great opportunity to go walking outdoors today, but I don't have the energy.

It all makes me think about Dan's upcoming return to work in three weeks. I know I'll feel better by then (I had better!) but I'm a little nervous about solo parenting for long stretches of the day. Grandparents and uncle have offered to help, and we plan to have a conversation soon about what that will look like - afternoon babysitting for naptime? Evening babysitting for cooking dinner time? Morning babysitting for mama needs to go swimming time? Thank goodness we have the help we have - it's making things much easier, and making them possible at all when we're sick.

Letting Go

Sometimes Sylvia fusses when she's really tired, like she's not sure what to do and has a little struggle letting go and going to sleep.

Being sick this week has encouraged me to let go of a lot of the worry and obsessing over what we're "doing to our child" as we parent.

Having Dan and Grandma step in as primary caregivers allowed me not only to rest, but to step back and slow down, to see childrearing as a much longer-term project than the particular activity of the moment. Although it was hard to be trapped downstairs, sick on the couch, listening to Sylvia fuss upstairs (in the hands of a qualified adult), it did give me some perspective.

It's okay to lay her down in her crib (alone! egads!) if she's crying and I have to use the bathroom. It's okay to let her sit in a wet diaper (heaven forfend!) for a couple of minutes while I finish cooking breakfast. It's okay that I haven't figured out what this particular cry means right now and we sit together for a while to see if it blows over. Sylvia's happy, healthy and thriving. We're doing the right things. We're doing fine.

Navigating

Why is the baby doing/not doing "x"?


The conventional baby book says "a"

The alternative baby book says "b"

The attachment parenting book says it's because we are/are not doing "c" too much/enough

The grandparent says "d"

The friend with kids says some permutation of "a" and "d"

My intuition says "q"

We decide to do "a" or "b" or "c" (or not do "c" anymore) or "d" or "a+d" or "q"

The baby is fine

On the Way to the Forum

A funny thing happened...ha ha.

I posted on the La Leche League Forum asking about help with getting to sleep when the baby sleeps, which has been a great theory but not so great a practice.

Several moms replied that they are simply sleep deprived, even after months and months with their little ones. Jeez! Maybe I'm not so bad off.

Zoe e-mailed some great suggestions, as did Linda Diane - both doulas and incredible women. Great to have friends in wise places.

The forum is interesting; definitely a little bit of momma fanaticism, but also lots of support too.

Interesting how we've created virtual community, there and here. I especially think about the dichotomy of sitting inside at the computer having these heart-to-hearts with strangers while avoiding the Michigan winter cold and illnesses...and my neighbors on three sides have babies, and probably plenty of advice. What, the telephone doesn't work anymore??

Better

Better, by small steps. Dan is up and about more, and actually ventured out of the house to attempt to pick up the milk from our herdshare and deliver some food to our friends Steph and Jess who just had their son Soleil...but the ice under the snow on the roads forced him to turn back.

I took a short nap this morning. Sometimes when I try my body or my mind won't let me sleep so easily during the day. I've tried medidating and I get distracted. I wonder if I should try whiskey? Skullcap? Hops?

In this pic Sylvia is wearing a hot onesie designed and screened by our buddy Dan from Portland. Maybe someday he'll give her wakeboarding lessons. Rad. Is that what the kids say these days, "rad?"

Okay, Maybe More Sick

Turns out Grandpa, Uncle and Grandma all have colds. I'm getting a glimpse into what it's like to do this alone, although Grandma still brought by groceries and food tonight. Not really that hard up after all.

Still hoping for a Wonderful Wednesday tomorrow!

Less Sick and Tired

Grandpa Dickie brought groceries and food and sat with Sylvia for a while yesterday too.

Grandma Miriam brought more food and held Sylvia; they had a very stimulating conversation, even if it was a bit one-sided.

Today more groceries and food from Grandma. Dan has been sleeping in the basement bedroom, eating crackers and drinking ginger ale. I've been doing the baby thing, napping a little and feeling more human. Hopefully tomorrow will feel even better.

Sick and Tired

Three nights ago I was losing it because of exhaustion. I couldn't form sentences in my head, much less through my mouth, and I felt like I would never catch up on my sleep. Ever.

Dan did a great job of baby duty so I could sleep...at least try. Sylvia decided it would be fun to stay awake in the middle of the night, and so I was awake too.

Two nights ago Dan woke up with gastrointestinal armageddon; I was not only awake with Sylvia for her usual feedings & rocking to sleep, but I also did Dan's diaper duty and was awake helping Dan deal with his own malaise for a few hours.

Tonight I'm running on fumes, but feeling more sane after Uncle Josh came over and minded the baby for a few hours so Dan could sleep and I could attempt to sleep - despite earplugs and the radio set to static (in an effort to keep me from hearing Sylvia - if she's anywhere in earshot and even slightly fussy, I'm awake...the magic of survival instincts at work) I could not sleep. Lying down for a couple of hours helped though.

Now she's slumbering at 11pm, Dan is feeling slightly better and is in bed, and I'm on my way to brush my teeth and put on my jammies - hopefully I'll board the Nighttime Train to Sleepville.

Fussiness, Frustration and Frightening Dreams

Sylvia's in a little rut of fussing after feedings, even after burping, urping, diaper change and a little more feeding sometimes. I understand this is probably par for the course, but it's hard to soothe this little being who doesn't have the language to tell us specificially what's bugging her. We'll hang in there.

I've had three strange dreams over the past several days involving driving. In the first one Dan is at the wheel, but he's fallen asleep, and I have to reach over him to grab the wheel and keep us from crashing; I end up climbing over him to take control and reach the brakes. In the second I'm driving with Sylvia bundled on my lap and I can't see over her to tell where the road is, so I'm driving blind. In the third, I'm driving and can't see the road but I can see the guardrail on the freeway, which is making a sharp curve, and I have to steer somewhat blindly.

Metaphors for my experiences as a new parent, perhaps?