Second Time Around

This is my second pregnancy. I miscarried last February at almost 20 weeks along, which (needless to say) was a huge disappointment. Especially after sailing through the first trimester, the time during which most miscarriages occur.

It's funny - I heard hardly anything about miscarriage until I had one. Then all of these women came out of the woodwork with their stories, and it's not so uncommon as the silence around it leads one to believe.

It turns out that having an amniocentesis caused the loss. I was doubly unlucky - most amnios do not result in a punctured amniotic sac, and most of those that do heal themselves. After being confined to three weeks of bedrest it was clear on ultrasound that there was simply not enough amniotic fluid being retained in the sac, and the pregnancy was not viable. Amniotic fluid serves many functions, among them providing a pressurized environment ensuring proper fetal lung development. Every day I went without a viable fetus increased the odds of my developing an infection, which could have led to a host of problems. A day after Dan and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy I miscarried.

All in all the miscarriage experience wasn't so terrible. I was handled with competent care and sympathy by the staff at the UofM birthing center. The ordeal started around 3am and I was back at home by 11am. The miscarriage did give me some insight into childbirth, but my doula told me that successful childbirth shouldn't hurt nearly as bad.

It's been hard to not think about this experience with my second pregnancy. My body has been telling me from the start that everything is fine, but my mind sometimes wanders back and introduces doubts. It's easy to play out imagined dramas in my head - what if this or that goes wrong? What if I go into pre-term labor? What if???? I try to stay centered and keep my mind in balance with the wisdom of my physical being.

And, deep inside, I feel like this time around we will have success!